Even after developing social skills, learning how to navigate relationships, and building meaningful connections with others, a certain kind of loneliness can remain.
It is a loneliness that rises from within when we become deeply aware of how we ourselves see the world.
Even when two people experience the same event and understand each other’s thoughts, they may find different meanings in it and attach different degrees of importance to it.
Something profoundly important to one person may carry much less weight for another. Through this difference, we become aware of a part of our inner lives that is difficult to share with others.
I think of this loneliness, rooted in the core of our individuality, as the third layer of loneliness.
In this essay, I consider individuality as each person’s distinctive way of seeing the world, and explore how this loneliness arises and what it means to accept it as part of one’s life.
1. The Three Layers of Human Loneliness
I divide human loneliness into three layers according to how each arises.
The first layer is inherent loneliness.
Every human being has a separate body and consciousness and lives a life of their own. No one can live another person’s life in their place.
The second layer is loneliness arising from the loss of relationships.
It emerges through experiences such as the death of a loved one, separation from someone close, or changes in social roles.
Particularly from middle age onward, we increasingly experience the loss of long-standing relationships, along with changes in the person we had become within those relationships.
The third layer is loneliness arising from individuality.
It emerges when our distinctive values, sensibilities, and ways of thinking, formed over the course of our lives, lead us to recognize differences between how we see the world and how others see it.
These three forms of loneliness are interconnected, but each arises through a different process.
I explore the overall framework in a related article, Rikutsu Kone Taro on Loneliness ★ How Learning to Live with Loneliness Helps Us Grow.
I also discuss loneliness experienced later in life in Encountering Loneliness Again in Middle Age: Learning to Live Alongside It.
Here, I will examine the structure of individuality that gives rise to the third layer of loneliness.
2. The Core of Individuality Lies in Each Person’s Distinctive Way of Seeing the World
Every person has values and standards of ethical judgment that form the core of their thinking and sensibilities.
These develop upon innate characteristics through accumulated experiences, learning, choices, inner conflicts, and reflection.
What have we experienced throughout our lives? What have we learned from those experiences? What have we come to value?
The path through which these things take shape differs from person to person.
Human beings also differ in their cognitive characteristics.
The speed at which we understand things, and how far our thinking can extend.
The cognitive plasticity and flexibility that allow us to incorporate new information and reorganize our existing understanding.
The ability to examine a single event from multiple perspectives, moving between the concrete and the abstract, subject and object, subjective and objective viewpoints, and qualitative and quantitative approaches.
And the ability to move between different levels of thought, from observable events to causal relationships, and further toward the underlying structures and standards of value judgment.
These cognitive characteristics combine with the values and sensibilities developed throughout our lives to shape each person’s distinctive way of seeing the world.
Even when confronted with the same reality, people differ in what they notice, what questions they ask, and what they consider important.
I believe the core of individuality lies in the structure through which each person perceives the world and gives it meaning.
3. The Same Reality Can Carry Different Levels of Thought and Different Weights of Meaning
Consider several people watching the same film.
One person focuses on the development of the story and the emotions of its characters.
Another considers the relationships and social structures that shape the characters’ actions.
A third examines the values and moral standards underlying those structures.
They are watching the same film, yet asking different questions and thinking at different levels of abstraction.
Such differences appear in many situations, including social issues, everyday events, and human relationships.
There is another important distinction here.
Understanding another person’s thoughts and sharing the weight of meaning those thoughts carry are two different things.
Suppose I explain the underlying structure of an event or the moral questions involved.
The other person may understand my explanation perfectly well.
Yet the urgency I feel about the issue—why it matters so much to me, and why I find myself unable to stop thinking about it—may not arise in that person in the same way.
A question that reaches into my fundamental understanding of life may be just one topic among many for someone else.
Even after understanding has been achieved through words, the weight of meaning that remains within each person can be different.
We may become particularly aware of this distance when the subject touches the core of our values or moral judgments.
We may discuss the same reality and understand each other’s thoughts, yet the meaning that reality holds for each of us may not fully overlap.
At such moments, we realize that part of the world we see belongs to us alone.
This is where the third layer of loneliness emerges.
4. The More Faithfully We Live by Our Own Values, the More Clearly We May See the Distance Between Ourselves and Others
Human beings want to maintain good relationships with others.
We adapt our conversations to other people’s interests and values, sometimes setting our own views aside.
This is an important skill for navigating social life.
At the same time, we also want to remain faithful to the conclusions we have reached through careful thought and to the values we consider important.
These two desires sometimes come into tension.
We want to value our relationships with others.
We also want to value the world we see and the things we consider important.
As we examine our thinking more deeply and clarify our standards of judgment, differences between our own perceptions and interpretations and those of others may become increasingly apparent.
We then face the question of how to relate to others while remaining faithful to our own convictions.
Trying to honor both can leave us feeling lonely.
I believe that consciously accepting and learning to live with this loneliness represents one form of human maturity.
5. Understanding Our Own Loneliness Can Lead to Respect for Others
There is an intriguing structure within the third layer of loneliness.
My distinctive way of seeing the world has been shaped by my experiences and thoughts.
The same is true of another person.
I have reasons for valuing what I value. The things another person holds dear likewise have reasons rooted in that person’s experiences and reflections.
There is a symmetry here.
The reasons I have for valuing my own perspective may also be reasons for another person to value theirs.
When we recognize this symmetry, respect for our own individuality and respect for the individuality of others become grounded in the same principle.
The more deeply we understand that our own way of seeing the world is unique to us, the more clearly we can recognize that others inhabit worlds we ourselves cannot fully see.
We can then develop respect for the reasons they have for valuing those worlds.
Understanding our own loneliness can cultivate respect for the individuality of others.
I believe this is one of the most important values of learning to live with the third layer of loneliness.
6. The Quiet Wisdom of Respecting Distance in Human Relationships
This understanding also influences how we relate to others.
We can begin by letting go of the expectation that every relationship must involve a deep understanding of our most fundamental thoughts and values.
We can build good relationships by appreciating the parts of our worlds that we share.
At the same time, we become more careful when approaching subjects that touch another person’s core values and moral judgments.
Even a conclusion that seems perfectly clear to us, reached after extensive thought, may unsettle another person’s values when we express it.
The other person may feel invalidated or pressured.
That is why, when discussing matters that touch the core of another person’s beliefs, it is wise to consider whether they wish to engage with the subject and, when they do, to speak with the greatest possible respect.
We can value our own world while also making room for the world that someone else holds dear.
This is a quiet kind of wisdom that allows us to live peacefully among others while understanding the third layer of loneliness.
And occasionally, we meet someone who asks questions much like our own and attaches the same weight to the same events.
Without lengthy explanations, we naturally understand what the other person sees and why it matters to them.
Such moments of deep mutual understanding are precious.
By letting go of excessive expectations, we can quietly rejoice and feel grateful when we are fortunate enough to experience such an encounter.
I think that is enough.
Two people, each inhabiting a distinctive world, find that their perceptions meet at a deeper level.
A moment when two people’s understanding intersects feels almost like a quiet miracle.
7. Cultivating Individuality Means Accepting the Loneliness That May Accompany It
Human individuality continues to develop throughout life.
As we accumulate experiences, gain knowledge, and examine our own thinking, we begin to recognize questions that had previously escaped our attention.
We consider the structures underlying events, move between different perspectives, and develop our own standards of judgment.
Through this process, our way of seeing the world acquires a distinctive character.
That perspective may give rise to new ideas, discoveries, and creative thinking.
Our distinctive perception may bring to light a problem that no one has yet put into words or offer someone else a new way of seeing things.
At the same time, as our view of the world becomes more clearly defined, we may become increasingly aware of the distance between ourselves and others.
The third layer of loneliness is part of the light and shadow that individuality brings.
We continue to cultivate our thinking and values while seeking harmony with the society in which we live. We accept the loneliness that arises in this process as part of our own lives.
Through encounters with people who inhabit different worlds, we also reconsider our existing understanding and acquire new ways of seeing things.
As our individuality develops, our understanding of the world deepens. Through our encounters with others, that world also expands.
I see in the lifelong pursuit of this process the possibility of human maturity.
Conclusion: Developing Our Own Philosophy Means Accepting the Third Layer of Loneliness
To develop our own philosophy is to become clearer about what we see in the world, what we consider important, and what we choose to value in life.
In that process, we may recognize how differently we see the world from others and sometimes experience loneliness.
Accepting that loneliness is a choice to remain faithful to our own individuality.
And understanding that we inhabit a world shaped by our unique experiences and perceptions can lead us to recognize that others inhabit worlds of their own.
When we approach others with this understanding, we can value our own world and theirs at the same time.
By developing our own philosophy and accepting our own loneliness, we can learn to respect the worlds that others inhabit.
I believe this is where the third layer of loneliness finds its meaning, and where one possibility for human maturity lies.
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